In a Blue Moon

I had an existential crisis on Christmas Eve. I lost my purpose and it scared me so much. It was my husband's birthday, the baby turned 3 months old, the older 2 were sick, and we were supposed to leave the next day on an 8 hour car trip.

I cried, I thought thoughts that I really shouldn't think. It was just no good.

The excitement I usually feel on Christmas Eve was not there at all and it was completely depressing. "Santa" was not happy to give her gifts. The cookie baking lead to fits, the bike for Winston was a complete failure, and all the day's events were leading to the worst Christmas of my adult life.

But then the big boys wouldn't sleep and I started to get nervous about the presents I needed to arrange in secret. The nervousness led to much cherished excitement and I got everything done about the time it changed from Eve to Day on Christmas.

The Day was pretty good. I may write about the gifts that were really successful, but mostly I just want to remember the boys playing all day long, the relaxed "it's Christmas" feelings, and being able to pull together a stellar Christmas Dinner when I thought we weren't having anything but leftovers and candy.

We left on the 26th in a surreal mood. The trip was going to be long, and yet we really didn't care. We were in the van, we were traveling, and it was going to be ok.

Being with all of my Father's family usually makes me want to scream and hide, but this time I relished it. I loved every person I saw, savored every bite of my Grandmother's food, and was even better to my boys that I ever am at home.

After some time with my family we went to NM to see The Mr.'s Dad and his wife. We were snowed in and the feeling was indescribable. We were stuck, if only for a few hours, together. My boys, big and little, and me, in a kitchenette hotel room. The window in the little kitchen faced north, and when Winston woke up he ran to the window with his Papa and said, "Mommy, look! It's snowing!!"

The boys played in the snow, sat at the table to do newly gifted art projects, and swam in the hotel's indoor pool.

We went to visit Grandfather and Lamb (husband's father's wife's maiden name, and the name I'll use here when writing about her) the second day of our trip, after naptime. The Mr.'s father was so grateful that we'd come, even if our only visiting was done in the hospital waiting room. He told me my husband's nickname as a baby as I watched Lamb tear up. We didn't know if he was ever going to make it out of the hospital.

The morning before we left, we took the boys to see them one last time. The Mr. and I were both anxious. It could have been the last time he ever saw his father alive. My husband pulled out the fancy new shirt our boys had chosen for him for Christmas to wear that day and I knew he was feeling a loss even if it hadn't happened yet.

The last thing his Dad said to me was that he hoped he'd make it out of the hospital.

Lamb called yesterday evening when we were just a couple of hours from home.

Today, my FIL is going home. Home to his house, with his Lamb. They asked if he wanted to stay through the weekend, and he chose to leave early. I am so happy that he made it out of the hospital, and so proud that my little ones visiting may have helped him to get there.

Tonight, there will be a Blue Moon in the sky. I want to go home too. I want to find my home inside my own insides, and curl up in my bed there.

Today I have listened to music, read a chapter in a real book, and tried to give myself some room to breathe. My purpose, rather it remains the same, is slightly revised, or radically different, is in there somewhere. I don't want to feel any loss that doesn't yet need to happen.

I can let myself go home once in a blue moon.

Status

We are 3 full days and a little extra from Christmas Day. We have Winston and Wednesday on antibiotics for bronchitis, and the Mama is seriously stuffy-nosed with a frog in her throat.

I need oranges for stockings, another gift for my mother (the handmade thing I had planned didn't happen), and I really wanted to get The Mr. a couple of more things too. Oh! The 24th is also his birthday, so I'm cooking an extremely parred down birthday meal for him. I usually do a Feast of the Seven Fishes type thing, but I just don't have it in me this year. The grocery store and Target both need to be visited tomorrow.

The plans, as they stand, are to open non-Santa gifts on the 24th. Our has-accidentally-become-tradition Christmas breakfast will be served that morning. We were also going to take the boys to Grandma's house to see their cousins and get their biggest Santa gift that day. It's a good thing I put them together in my MIL's garage, as it looks like that's as far into Grandma's house as we'll be going.

We had planned to leave as soon as we were done with Santa's offerings on the 25th to drive about 8 hours to my Grandmother's house. The 27th we're supposed to drive another 220 miles to see The Mr.'s father and his wife in New Mexico. The boys need more long pants, the baby needs a warmer hat, and we need snacks for the car (see need for grocery store and Target).

So, ummm, HOLY MOLY YOU GUYS.

We have sickness, we have travel preparation with a new baby, and we have unfinished Christmas/Birthday stuff.

I am slightly overwhelmed and extremely calm all at the same time. I guess that's Christmas.

Alive and Well

Hello, Beauties!!

I'm an awful blogger, I know. But I'm here, right now, so...Ta da!!

We are all doing pretty good these days. Winston is so big. I was four feet and eight inches tall in the fourth grade. My oldest son is two inches away from being four feet tall and he is four years old!

Tomorrow is his big Hanukkah show at school (where he is reading and ready for Kindergarten, according to his teacher). He has an assigned seat where I have to bring him in the morning so he can get his flashy golden gelt costume on. We are both very excited.

Wednesday is still the most silly and hilarious boy I've ever known. He turned three, you know, and he is most assuredly not a baby anymore. Now, if we could just get him to potty in the potty it would be glorious. He is right at the age where he is so very big, but I can still scoop him up for spontaneous snuggles without much of a fight.

Minnow is huge. He is divinely cute. Minnow is my favorite snack and just the most snuggly bug of a baby I've ever known. He is laughing, and squiggling, and charming everyone he meets. He got fussy in Barnes and Noble yesterday and caught the attention of the four or five ladies in line. I turned him toward the Giant! Yellow! Gift Wrapping! Sign! and he started laughing. He won over every single one of those women in a flash.

What else do I need to tell you? Thanksgiving was darn tootin'. Whatever that means. My food turned out better than it ever has in the past. Wednesday had two friends come and play on his birthday. They decorated enormous sugar cookies, are squash-berry muffins, and played outside until Winston came in and said, "I'm having a big problem out there, Mommy! I'm too tired to be nice anymore!".

We're spending Christmas at home; a tradition my Mama started in my own family that I appreciated then and do even more so now. A visit to my Grandmother's house and The Mr.'s Dad's house are in the works for after Christmas.

The Mr.'s Dad fell about two weeks ago and broke his leg. They expect him to be fine, but he is tired of being in the hospital and kind of down-in-the-dumps. His wife sent the most beautiful quilt for Minnow with the entire alphabet embroidered on it. His name is at the bottom, with a well placed "Z" to finish it out.

I think I'm just rambling now, but I've missed you so, little blog o'mine.

Some questions I've been pondering: What is a good way to introduce Karate to Winston before he starts once a week next year? Have any of you ever cooked turnips and LIKED them (I really want to try them this holiday season)? Does anyone have a good, Christmas-y, molded, jello salad recipe? I've always wanted to make one of those too.

Love to all of you.....