Right now, it's more like Niagra Falls

We can't find the outside kitten. I'm not sure he's actually a kitten anymore, but he's one of the babies we took in last year. I chose him, from the litter, to be ours. The fat one chose us, and the orange one became ours by default. But I need for Goldie to be ok. It was my desicion to keep him here...


This morning I finally realized what yesterday was. I was going to post about it, and turn off the comments. But I don't even know if I can do that now. I cried so much into yesterday morning that I could hardly stand when I woke up. It makes more sense now, remembering. Ramen and olives for dinner; my sodium levels must have been almost nonexistent.


"I don't know what parts of myself to keep and what parts to put away". "I don't know how to make you happy anymore." Words that finally made sense to him, even if they didn't fix very much. "You can't make me happy", he said. "And keep this part, that talks to me like this, please". I'll try. "And Mama, I'm plenty happy enough. Everything on the outside is ok". That's always been important to me.


Then he came home with a ring. A ring that matched my necklace from Christmas. Tears are always plentiful, I guess. Jewelry doesn't heal, but it is a symbol. Unconsciously I knew what yesterday was, but in my sore, painful brain I didn't actually recall the events that made yesterday significant. The pink and black of the ring will always mean something different now.


This morning I jolted myself out of a dream. I overslept, dreaming about being in a craggy little boat with my two children while my husband traipsed through the water trying to fish. We were in the middle of a storm. He caught a big ugly fish, and pulled it's bottom lip up over it's whole mouth and threw it in the boat, telling us to keep it still. The fish flopped so much I had to get out of the boat and just hold onto the side. I was so angry at him. Screaming profanities at the top of my lungs while he laughed and enjoyed the adventure. I finally convinced him to at least let the boys and I go to shore. Then I woke myself up. My mouth was all swollen.


I'm more than ready for my unconscious to give me a break. Really Mind, I've had enough.