Pillow Talk

I hate talking on the telephone. In fact, I hate it so much that I rarely even answer it. When I do pick it up, I've been known to lie, repeatedly, to get off as quickly as possible. Telling a telemarketer they just woke up my sleeping baby is my favorite, but I've accepted magazine offers and fibbed about TV surveys as well. This is exactly why I have no faith in a new study that concludes that teens who watch sexually mature "boob tube" tales are more likely to get pregnant. I realize that has nothing to do with a phone. The exception is that all of the data for this inherently flawed study was gathered in exactly that manner. 12 to 17 year olds were asked by phone, over a 3 year period, to give honest recollections of their sexual behaviors in accordance with the kind shows they prefer. Lying is something that all humans learn to do at an early age, but I think it's perfected during the angsty adolescent years.

According to the study, the kids interviewed were twice as likely to become pregnant when their visual vices tended toward the raunchy than those who watched more wholesome programming. That seems clear enough until you look at the actual numbers in the experiment. After losing an unreported quarter of their participants, more of the 1461 remaining people were dismissed if they didn't share their sexual activity, or were sexually inactive. In total, 64% of the original teenagers are either invisible within the findings, or never finished the process. So the information we've been fed covers 36% of a group of teenagers who spoke on the phone 3 times over the course of 3 years with researchers they didn't know personally. Whether they were honest or not ceases to matter when such an enormous amount of data is thrown away. The statistics are irrevocably skewed with such a small sample size. Would you lie? I might if I knew in doing so I would cause such absurd observations to get so much news coverage .


There was only one saving grace in all of this scientific hullabaloo. It was suggested that parents sit down with their young adults and explain a realistic perspective of the intimate encounters they view. My own Mom spent entire weekends watching "My So Called Life" marathons with me on MTV. She taught sex ed at the time, so that helped. But what was most comforting was just having her there; not so much talking as simply being present to answer questions and appreciate the program for the reasons I loved it, not the reasons I shouldn't be watching it.


I think we have to be smart enough as parents to realize that our kids don't learn everything from us. My 3 year old spends his entire time on the playground at school pretending to be Spider Man or a Power Ranger when the only experience he has with either of those is a pair of baby-sized boxer shorts. Instead of demanding he change his play habits because he's not old enough to watch those cartoons at home, I've tried to explain, as best I can, the most interesting and useful parts of both Peter Parker and the Red Ranger. With that knowledge he can imagine more confidently on the playground and still be the big small boy he's meant to be.

Clarity of mind for anything beyond girl cooties and Mama-love is almost a decade away for me. I don't know exactly how I'll deal with regulating television while remaining open when the time comes. However, I do know I'd rather be sitting on the couch with my boys, watching Degrassi and pointing out the realities and over simplifications, than banning them from watching at all. Intimacy will, as one commenter said, be their choice in the end. I want them to have the most balanced knowledge of any situation possible when they reach it. Maybe I should start watching Gossip Girl for the sake of future research. It would give me a good reason to take the phone off the hook!