Sissy

It's what my brother called me when we were little, and what he has started to call me again now that we are mostly all grown up.  

I love my brother, and always have.  Except for the couple of years where I hated him and beat the crap out of him more than he deserved.  But we got through it and have a darn good relationship.

Now that I have my own boys, I love my brother more than I ever have.  Something changed, especially after my second son was born with so many features and mannerisms that remind me of my brother.  He came for a visit in May and I couldn't keep any one's name straight.  I finally understood why my Grandmother calls everyone by the wrong name when we're all together.  There are so many people that you love so completely in the same room that your heart and your mouth can't keep up with each other.  To have my husband, my babies, and my brother all in the house together was enough to make my heart skip, literally.

So recently my brother made a decision to take the summer off from college and just work and be a person.  I supported him and helped him talk to my parents and it's all been pretty good.  He'd do the same for me if I asked him to.  But then he decided to take a trip.  A trip I feel is rather selfish and with people that I don't believe love my brother the way he should be loved.  And I was so torn.  As a Mom I wanted to tear him a new butt.  But as a sister, I want him to live this life he's been given and figure things out on his own instead of letting my parents make too many of his decisions.  

So I sent him an email, it's the only way we keep up with each other consistently, and told him what I really thought in the nicest most constructive way possible.  I cried for 2 days.  I woke up in the middle of the night just sick about what I had said.  I had been too much of a Mom and not enough Sister.  So I sent him more messages, apologizing and trying to explain how I felt now that I have the boys.  It took him a long time to get back to me and I thought I had really messed things up.

But then, he wrote me back.  He said he respects my opinion more than anyone else.  I don't know why he does, but it made me see who he is even more clearly.  He said I've taught him so much about life and that he is so grateful I'm his sister.  That I have tried to do; to tell him that life can be what you make of it and isn't a never ending path that someone else has laid for you.  I've tried to let him know whenever I can how grateful I am for him in my life and the life of my kids.

It's all ok now.  But I didn't know that there would be such a change in how I feel about him after becoming a mother.  I want him to be the biggest dreamer and keep him absolutely safe at the same time.  It helps me remember every day the kind of kids I want my boys to grow up to be.

Shall we name this brother for my little blog? .... How about HHB, hairy hippy brother.  It's pretty fitting.  He is one of the greatest people I have ever known.  He is loving and funny and sensitive and calm.  

Being a mother has changed every relationship I have, almost always for the better.  This one just snuck up on me, and I still need to learn how to channel what I know now into being a better support for my brother.

If you click the question mark at the top it will take you to the picture I tried to add.  I can't take it off now, If anyone knows how let me know!